A loss is a loss, no matter how small

   Throughout the pregnancy, I had told many people I was nervous.  I had several friends who had lost a baby or had severe complications.  I didn't feel sick, I had bad migraines, which I did not have with my pregnancy with Colt.  Everyone kept telling me I was having a girl, and each pregnancy was different.  I tried to shrug it off, but something kept nagging at me.  Justin and I talked about the baby less and less, and each became secretly more concerned.  I had some spotting, which prompted me to call the doctor several times, but since I already had an ultrasound scheduled at 8 weeks, they said to just wait until then unless it got worse.  I tried to keep myself busy the day of the appointment.  I was nervous and everyone knew it, except Colt.  He was so excited to go to the baby doctor and get to see the baby. 
     The ultrasound tech told me my uterus was tilted and asked me to go to the bathroom and come back and we would try a different kind of ultrasound.  So I did, but I was nervous.  I knew even at 6 weeks with Colt we didn't have to look this hard.  She finally found my uterus, but I could tell right away there was nothing in it.  Eventually she found a tiny shadow and said "Oh, you aren't as far along as you thought you were.  You are only 5 weeks, 6 days."  But I knew better.  I had 2 blood tests at 4 weeks and 5 weeks to check some levels, so I knew the baby was gone.
   I laid there and silently started to cry.  Tears streamed down my cheek.  Justin grabbed my hand, and we sat there so full of grief we were unable to speak.  How could this happen to us?  Why, after so long were we given a baby, only to have it taken away?  What in the world am I supposed to do now?  As we sat there and cried, Colt began to ask questions.  We were able to explain to him that the baby wasn't in my belly anymore.  That Jesus wanted the baby to live with Him.  For the rest of the day, he kept yelling at me "The baby IS in your belly!"  IT was worse than I could have imagined.
      Finally, they took us to a room so we could talk with the doctor.  Everyone hugged us and told us how sad they were.  Dr. Priddy went over our options with us for the next steps.  I had spoken with her on the phone over the weekend and her final words to me were "I can't wait to have another baby with you."  As I apologized for her having to end her day on a sad note, she promised me "I could not end my day with nicer people." 
     We had driven separate, so we had to drive both our cars home.  It was so hard to be apart from each other after such tragic news.  We decided to try to go tell each of our parents in person, so we drove up to Pendleton and Lapel to talk to them.  It was an evening full of tears and questions. 
    This week, my Bible study was going over peace.  I wrote down in my journal that I needed peace and that I would not worry about the appointment, as there was nothing I could do about it, and that if the appointment did not go as I planned, that I would have peace with the outcome, no matter what it was.  This is the only way I can explain how Justin and I have been able to react to such devastating news.
    As we were sitting there talking to Dr. Priddy, we said that we knew God had a plan bigger for us than we could imagine, and that we knew this was part of it, even though we couldn't understand it right now.  And now, 5 days later, I still feel at peace with where God is taking us.  I prayed so hard for this baby, and had such a huge fear of losing a child, that I never dreamed I would be able to have this reaction to losing a child.  My only explanation is that I have been praying for peace- a peace that passes understanding. 
    I have no doubt that there will be days in the future that make me wonder why this happened to us.   How did we become a statistic- 25% chance of losing a baby.  We have not actually lost the baby yet, and when we do, I am sure my emotions will be all over the place.  
    My glimpse of hope came the next morning, Friday.  Justin and I laid in bed waiting for Colt to wake up.  We had such a sense of calm, but sadness.  Colt finally came in and laid in bed with us.  He laid there silently for a while, then looked at me and said "The baby isn't in your belly.  The baby is with Jesus, in the clouds."  And I was able to look at him through my tears and say, "You're right, the baby is with Jesus in the clouds.  How cool is that?"  Because, I had also prayed the week before that I would get more opportunities to share my faith with Colt, so that he would see how great God is.